Fear…

Change is hard. Actually now that I think about it  – FEAR is harder. Fear of Change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear of abandonment. Fear is debilitating for me. Fear makes me spin out of control and stops me in my tracks all at the same time. 

I have wanted to move out of my apartment for over 5 years. And yet, I have not moved. What is stopping me? Fear. I fear rejection. I fear there is nothing I can afford that I will like. I fear that I won’t get the house. I fear that I will pick the wrong neighborhood. I fear that I will pick the wrong building. I fear that I will get it and not be able to afford it. In the end that fear has kept me in an apartment I do not like and have outgrown.

I need a new car. Everyone has said now is not the time to buy. I should have bought during the pandemic. But the fear of not having a job stopped me. The fear of not being approved for the loan stopped me. The fear of choosing the wrong make, wrong car, wrong seller. In the end that fear has kept me using Uber and Lyft and watching my savings dwindle.

I don’t love my job. I am so thankful for it. It pays well. I work remotely. There are so many things to love about it. Unfortunately, I don’t like the actual job or my boss as a boss. But I fear losing it through something I did. Or something I did not do. I fear the company not being able to afford me. I fear being rejected. I fear being told I am too old, too fat, or too experienced to get the position I want. I fear not being able to find a job that pays me what I am already making and more.  In the end, I may stay too long at my current job and then be forced out instead of choosing to leave. This has happened before.

I want a community. My biggest fear is being alone. This is a fear that I find stranger than most as I didn’t have it until I became an adult. When I was a kid it was my monther’s biggest fear. So much so that she stayed in relationships that never should have started and she married men that she was not happy to be with.

As a kid I could not understand her fear of being alone. I wanted to have my own house. To live alone. To not have anyone care if I ate after 8 pm or slept until noon. As an adult, I wish there was someone who cared. Someone who wanted to know that I made it home ok. That I am eating correctly. Someone to talk to about the bad and the good days. Someone to celebrate and someone to grieve with me. Someone to encourage, challenge and love me. I fear that I will never find that someone and yet, am I really looking? 

I fear that fear is going to stop me from living the life I crave and deserve. It already has. The question now is, how do I stop fear?

Roller Coasters

It was my grandmother’s birthday on Monday. She died in April. It feels weird to “celebrate” her life when she is no longer alive. It feels stranger to not acknowledge it at all. I spent some of the day crying and some of the day laughing thinking about her. A friend asked what was the one thing I wished I could have that I didn’t have on her birthday besides her. I said, I wished I could send her flowers again this year. Last year she kept forgetting that she had already thanked me and called me three times. I want that back. I thought about posting the story of her engagement. It is my favorite story of the many she told me. But it needs to be edited and it was too painful for me to do on Monday. 

Wednesday I had a great business meeting. It gave me a huge high. It made me feel like she was watching from above and cheering me on. I felt like I could rule the world. I was ready to take on any new challenges. I felt her spirit and love of life surrounding me. 

Thursday I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t sleep until it was time to get up. I didn’t feel like getting dressed. I forced myself to make a cup of coffee. To make a list for what I wanted to get done. Then a list for what I needed to get done. I worked on creating connections. I did another business call that went ok. I cried. I didn’t laugh. 

Friday is my birthday. I have plans for dinner with my sister but I haven’t really talked about it with anyone else. A couple of friends have asked, I’ve responded but not with any real enthusiasm. I love other people’s birthdays. I think it is a day that everyone should be celebrated. I plan things for many of them. And yet on mine, I feel sort of blasé. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the celebration of life. Not surprising with so much death in my life this year. Not surprising with my birthday coming up. I have come to the following conclusion. 

Life is like roller coasters. Big climbs. Jerks around many corners. And scary drops. But if your smart, you raise your hands in the air and scream and laugh through them all because it’s the best damn ride in the park. 

To Curse or Not to Curse

It’s ninety degrees outside and humid. Things are not going according to plan. I was supposed to leave at 9 am. I left at 10:15. I was supposed to be on a train by 11 am. Then by 12:15 pm. I left LA at 1:10 pm. All of the little things that went wrong are too trivial to even write down. If ever there was a time to curse a blue streak, this was it.

I never used to swear. Never understood the need for it. Then I moved to Los Angeles, got a job at a talent agency and realized it was essential. It was a release. I also realized that apart from my friends at the agency no one else shared this view. 

Last, I realized I now couldn’t have a full conversation without swearing. This realization came when I bought a roll of quarters and put a quarter in the jar every time I cursed. When I ran out of quarters in less than 30 minutes, I knew I had an issue. 

I also knew I needed to change. I began asking everyone I knew what word they use instead of cussing. Below are my 10 favorite:

  • What the H or WTF? – Why do we feel that by using initials we aren’t swearing?
  • Frick – I don’t know why but I use all the time. 
  • Judas Priest – this was a term an old high school football coach used. Whenever I use it makes me feel 15 again.
  • Mother Trucker – I know, it is close to the line but that’s what makes it so satisfying.
  • Fudge – yep, been using that one since The Tales of 4th Grade Nothing…..
  • Gosh Dang – I know, sounds a little bit like Mayberry but it works
  • Holy Moses – I love this, is it religious or sacrilegious? Either way, it works for me. 
  • “I cuss in another language” – I had friends who said they never cuss in English, so it doesn’t count. Ummmm, I think someone understands it.
  • Darn it – I never understood this one because I thought darning was fixing.
  • BALLS – which basically sums everything up! 

Have one I am missing? Want to add to the list? Or have a list you want to explore. Hit the button below and leave a comment or send to me to add later..

Alarm Clocks…

The alarm sounds. It’s 6:30 am. I don’t want to get out of bed. I hit snooze.

The alarm sounds. It’s 7 am. I need to go to the restroom. I head back to bed after and set the timer for 1 hour.

The alarm sounds. It’s 8 am. I should go to the gym. I check my email, texts and social media. I set the timer for 45 minutes.

The alarm sounds. It’s 9:30 am. I get up. I make my bed. I wash my face. I brush my teeth. I make a cup of coffee. I should go to the gym. I set the timer for 45 minutes. I watch the news.

The alarm sounds. It’s 11 am. I must have hit repeat by accident. I am starving. I am going to make lunch and then go to the gym. I set the alarm for 1 pm.

The alarm sounds. It’s 1 pm. I remember that that means everyone who works in an office will be at the gym. I will go at 3 pm. I set the alarm.

The alarm sounds. It’s 3:15 pm. It’s so hot outside I don’t want to walk any where. I will go right after dinner. I go back to work.

I have just made dinner and feel like there is something I said I was going to do. Oh that’s right, the gym. It’s 6:30, I will go at 8. I set the timer for 90 minutes.

The alarm sounds. It’s 8 pm. I just want to finish this episode and I will go to the gym. I set the timer for 30 minutes.

The alarm sounds. It’s 8:30 pm. It’s dark outside. I want to be able to sleep tonight. Maybe I should just wait and go first thing tomorrow morning. I set the alarm 6:30 am.

The alarm sounds….

IT’S TIME

It’s been a while since I have written. Twenty-twenty was a year that was made for writers, especially me. I was paid to stay home with plenty of time on my hands. More than I have ever had in my adult life. It was time for me to start doing things I never had time for before. It was the perfect time to write.

Instead, I decided to do diamond art. What is diamond art? It is color by numbers with teeny, tiny, jewel pieces. It was annoying, aggravating and slightly satisfying when I finished. I have absolutely no desire to ever do it again. Then I decided to learn how to make pretzels. I love getting a pretzel at the mall. Since none of us were going to the mall it was a perfect time to make them at home. And Wetzels Pretzels had a kit. Just add water. It was delicious. It was easy. It was slightly satisfying but way too instant. It was one night and I didn’t really learn a new skill. It was like making those cookies from the pre-made dough. Good for a moment but not as good as homemade. So I stepped my game up. I learned how to make Chicken Adobo. I do not think I ever even had Filipino food other than when I was in the Philippines. I am lucky enough to have a friend who is not only Filipino but is also an amazing cook and she agreed to teach me over zoom. And it was great. It was not too easy but it was also not too hard. Plus the dish was delicious. I have now made it several times and am looking forward to making it for friends when I finally can. Unfortunately, it was once again fleeting.

So I took up crocheting. Crocheting was simple. (God bless good friends and YouTube.) While frustrating at first, it was easy to master, took a bit of time and had results. I made a huge blanket for my bed. Then I made one for a friend and one for my sister. I can do it while watching TV or talking on the phone. It is a great meditation for me. It is also a massive distraction.

Which I think is the common thread with all of the “things”. They were all time-sucks, preventing me from taking the time do the thing I said I wanted to do. Why wasn’t I writing? I had the time. My bills were paid. I had the computer. I had things to say. And yet I didn’t really want to take the time to say them. To write them down for others to read. There is an old saying that says the more you have to do the more you do. Maybe that was my issue. I had too much time. I would constantly say – I’ll do it tomorrow. The problem with that is that today is the tomorrow of the day I didn’t do what I said I was going to do yesterday. And that is the circle of my 2020. That being said, I am in Seattle. I have the time. It is time for me to make a new practice. Daily writing. I hope that some of you who are reading this right now will come back daily to catch up with me and what is going on. I hope that you will engage with me and tell me what you think. But even if you don’t, if no one does, I am going to write daily because I have the time and I am tired of wasting it.

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