Roller Coasters

It was my grandmother’s birthday on Monday. She died in April. It feels weird to “celebrate” her life when she is no longer alive. It feels stranger to not acknowledge it at all. I spent some of the day crying and some of the day laughing thinking about her. A friend asked what was the one thing I wished I could have that I didn’t have on her birthday besides her. I said, I wished I could send her flowers again this year. Last year she kept forgetting that she had already thanked me and called me three times. I want that back. I thought about posting the story of her engagement. It is my favorite story of the many she told me. But it needs to be edited and it was too painful for me to do on Monday. 

Wednesday I had a great business meeting. It gave me a huge high. It made me feel like she was watching from above and cheering me on. I felt like I could rule the world. I was ready to take on any new challenges. I felt her spirit and love of life surrounding me. 

Thursday I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t sleep until it was time to get up. I didn’t feel like getting dressed. I forced myself to make a cup of coffee. To make a list for what I wanted to get done. Then a list for what I needed to get done. I worked on creating connections. I did another business call that went ok. I cried. I didn’t laugh. 

Friday is my birthday. I have plans for dinner with my sister but I haven’t really talked about it with anyone else. A couple of friends have asked, I’ve responded but not with any real enthusiasm. I love other people’s birthdays. I think it is a day that everyone should be celebrated. I plan things for many of them. And yet on mine, I feel sort of blasé. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the celebration of life. Not surprising with so much death in my life this year. Not surprising with my birthday coming up. I have come to the following conclusion. 

Life is like roller coasters. Big climbs. Jerks around many corners. And scary drops. But if your smart, you raise your hands in the air and scream and laugh through them all because it’s the best damn ride in the park. 

Alarm Clocks…

The alarm sounds. It’s 6:30 am. I don’t want to get out of bed. I hit snooze.

The alarm sounds. It’s 7 am. I need to go to the restroom. I head back to bed after and set the timer for 1 hour.

The alarm sounds. It’s 8 am. I should go to the gym. I check my email, texts and social media. I set the timer for 45 minutes.

The alarm sounds. It’s 9:30 am. I get up. I make my bed. I wash my face. I brush my teeth. I make a cup of coffee. I should go to the gym. I set the timer for 45 minutes. I watch the news.

The alarm sounds. It’s 11 am. I must have hit repeat by accident. I am starving. I am going to make lunch and then go to the gym. I set the alarm for 1 pm.

The alarm sounds. It’s 1 pm. I remember that that means everyone who works in an office will be at the gym. I will go at 3 pm. I set the alarm.

The alarm sounds. It’s 3:15 pm. It’s so hot outside I don’t want to walk any where. I will go right after dinner. I go back to work.

I have just made dinner and feel like there is something I said I was going to do. Oh that’s right, the gym. It’s 6:30, I will go at 8. I set the timer for 90 minutes.

The alarm sounds. It’s 8 pm. I just want to finish this episode and I will go to the gym. I set the timer for 30 minutes.

The alarm sounds. It’s 8:30 pm. It’s dark outside. I want to be able to sleep tonight. Maybe I should just wait and go first thing tomorrow morning. I set the alarm 6:30 am.

The alarm sounds….

IT’S TIME

It’s been a while since I have written. Twenty-twenty was a year that was made for writers, especially me. I was paid to stay home with plenty of time on my hands. More than I have ever had in my adult life. It was time for me to start doing things I never had time for before. It was the perfect time to write.

Instead, I decided to do diamond art. What is diamond art? It is color by numbers with teeny, tiny, jewel pieces. It was annoying, aggravating and slightly satisfying when I finished. I have absolutely no desire to ever do it again. Then I decided to learn how to make pretzels. I love getting a pretzel at the mall. Since none of us were going to the mall it was a perfect time to make them at home. And Wetzels Pretzels had a kit. Just add water. It was delicious. It was easy. It was slightly satisfying but way too instant. It was one night and I didn’t really learn a new skill. It was like making those cookies from the pre-made dough. Good for a moment but not as good as homemade. So I stepped my game up. I learned how to make Chicken Adobo. I do not think I ever even had Filipino food other than when I was in the Philippines. I am lucky enough to have a friend who is not only Filipino but is also an amazing cook and she agreed to teach me over zoom. And it was great. It was not too easy but it was also not too hard. Plus the dish was delicious. I have now made it several times and am looking forward to making it for friends when I finally can. Unfortunately, it was once again fleeting.

So I took up crocheting. Crocheting was simple. (God bless good friends and YouTube.) While frustrating at first, it was easy to master, took a bit of time and had results. I made a huge blanket for my bed. Then I made one for a friend and one for my sister. I can do it while watching TV or talking on the phone. It is a great meditation for me. It is also a massive distraction.

Which I think is the common thread with all of the “things”. They were all time-sucks, preventing me from taking the time do the thing I said I wanted to do. Why wasn’t I writing? I had the time. My bills were paid. I had the computer. I had things to say. And yet I didn’t really want to take the time to say them. To write them down for others to read. There is an old saying that says the more you have to do the more you do. Maybe that was my issue. I had too much time. I would constantly say – I’ll do it tomorrow. The problem with that is that today is the tomorrow of the day I didn’t do what I said I was going to do yesterday. And that is the circle of my 2020. That being said, I am in Seattle. I have the time. It is time for me to make a new practice. Daily writing. I hope that some of you who are reading this right now will come back daily to catch up with me and what is going on. I hope that you will engage with me and tell me what you think. But even if you don’t, if no one does, I am going to write daily because I have the time and I am tired of wasting it.

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